It's closing in on 4:30 a.m. I'm in tremendous pain and can't get comfortable enough to rest, let alone sleep. My Rheumatologist doesn't want me taking "pain pills" because Lupus will get worse (it is right now) and THEN, what will I do for pain??? I see his point, but I promise I am no drug addict. It took me three months to use 10, yes TEN, pain tablets he did prescribe me. This would be a night/morning that I would have needed a number 11. Bad is bad...it's intense and nothing I do will ease it off.
Lupus is ugly. It's mean and unforgiving.Over the last few weeks I've noticed how red and irritated my nose seems. I realized after reading more on Lupus that although I don't have full "butterfly" or malar rash on my cheeks and nose...some people just have it on the nose. I guess I'll look like Rudolph the Red-nosed Lupie from her on out. It's part of this illness. It's part of me now.
I've cried a lot today. I look at handfulls of hair that come out when I brush my hair and think, "well, it's only going to get worse from here on out." So I cry. I look at the tremendous amount of weight I've gained thanks in part to prednisone and plaquenil...and I cry. I look in the mirror and hate what I see... again, I cry. I'm not really crying "feeling sorry" for myself as much as I cry for the woman I once was. She's gone forever....
I cry more
and more
and more...................
No comments:
Post a Comment